It is a warm May night, the clouds from earlier in the day have made
way for the stars, and the moon, although the puddles still tell the
story of a rainy day. I'm sitting on the
edge of a bridge. I'm looking down at an abyss of about 40 meters,
enough to kill a man, enough to severely handicap a man. I do not
care. Life as it is now does not make sense to me anymore. Thoughts
are racing through my head, just like they always have. They stole my
life, my identity. I was introduced to this life as a blank sheet of
paper, I now have become a book, which perhaps will soon be closed
forever.
...
It is May 20th, 2020, 10 pm, Hamburg, Germany. Earlier in
the evening, after a long day of work, I was sitting in my living
room. I work as a concierge at a 5-star hotel downtown. It is a good
job, and one of the few remaining that are not threatened to be taken
over by the machines because there is human interaction involved. No
machine can ever replace that, can it?
I know my work. I know it well. At least I am always told I do. I
kind of even enjoy it, few people can say that anymore. Real wages
have been decreasing since the early 2000s, since the first internet
bubble burst, which left all the rich becoming richer, and the poor
becoming poorer. Then there was the Euro crisis, and the discrepancy
only became more significant. Few countries have remained in the
Eurozone since then. Only Germany, France, Spain, and Italy (for some
reason), the rest has escaped into the womb of their own currency
with higher interest rates, and less patronization. They are now back
where they feel comfortable. Curiously, the United Kingdom joined the
Union after all the highly indebted countries had left. Now there are
three rich countries, and two poorer ones remaining. Even they have
their issues, but they manage to solve them usually.
The world is spinning, always spinning, and I am its passenger.
Nothing I can do about it. I am just sitting here, hoping for the
best, expecting the worst. I am 32 years old, and boy, has it spun a
lot since 2013. We used to be free, I think. Maybe it was wishful
thinking, maybe it was make-believe, but I really felt free back
then. Before that, I felt even freer.
It all started with the internet, the evil blessing, which holds the
world hostage ever since it developed a broadband connection. Faster
data, faster living. Everything had to be better, more effective,
less human, more robotic. This, however, was still manageable. But
soon after, the iWatch was introduced.
This iWatch device has taken over our lives as we would have never
imagined. It first entered the market in 2013, and conquered the
world within months.
At first, this innocent watch was not taken seriously. It was merely
looked at as a small gadget for nerds who did not know what to do
with their money, and were called the early adopters.
Quickly it changed the landscape. Initially, it could not do much. It
could only show the time and give a some information, for instance
what the weather was going to be like, or whether this bar offered
good drinks or bad drinks. But it evolved.
In 2018 the EU and Apple went into a collaboration. Apple was
relieved from paying taxes in the Union, which they had never done
anyway, and in exchange all parliamentarians received Apple products
for free. This, and all citizens within the Union received an iWatch.
Wearing it was not optional. They sold it to the people as a
practical gimmick, as a supposedly less invasive procedure than
implanting a chip for identification. If you take it off, you lose
your identity. You pay with it. You depend on it.
So now my iWatch is beeping. Why is it beeping, you ask? I have not
moved enough today. Well, the past week. It tracks all my movements,
breaths, heartbeats, how much I perspire. It tells me when to move,
drink, sleep.
I am supposed to cover a distance of 8 kilometers per day,
approximately 6,500 steps. I live 200 meters away from my workplace,
which is convenient. And there, I stand. Pretty much all day.
Advising guests what they should see, where they should go eat, and
drink. I have not covered my distance in two weeks, I owe my iWatch
10 kilometers. If I do not go running, my insurance company will give
me a call the next couple of days and tell me that this is my third
10K-offense this year, and that my policy is going up. My data
is past forward to them, the government saves lots of money because
of that.
One of the biggest obstacles of the early 2000s in my country was,
how we could reduce the costs of the demographic change that was
occurring. German citizens were becoming older, the birth rates were
low, and someone had to finance the social security provided by the
government. They solved this issue by forcing a healthy lifestyle
upon all of its residents by ignoring basic human rights, such as
dignity and autonomy of the body. Nevermind the freedom of the press,
this one has long been gone.
My average pulse is 80 heartbeats per minute. I can see my pulse
every minute of every day. It is usually a little high because of my
anxiety disorder. My blood oxygen level is great though, my watch
says. At night, when I set my alarm, 8.5 hours before I have to wake
up, iWatch injects a little dosage of valerian into my blood stream
to help my fall asleep.
I had not eaten since noon. I walked over into the kitchen to the
food printer. The first prototype printed solely chocolate. It was
back in 2013 also, when the concept of 3D printers gained popularity.
My friends quickly warmed up to the idea of printing food. They
trashed their microwaves and ovens, and simply replaced them. It
still feels strange to me.
I told her that I wanted a chicken sandwich. Yes, she has a name.
Linda. Linda mixes all kinds of powders together, cooks, and fries
them. The powder consists of all the basic structures of meals,
imitates them. Very basic compounds, not a lot of greases used, much
more healthy than self-cooked soul food. Linda also does not give me
more calories than my doctor recommends. 2567 calories per day.
Furthermore, she is connected to the food printers at work, so it is
basically rendered impossible to exceed my recommended dosage of
food.
The thing is, I need soul food. I want to exceed.
The end product is incredibly close to the real thing. It is,
however, not the real thing. Killing animals was forbidden last year.
The Movement of Vegans in Europe (MOVIE) has finally succeeded in
making everyone live without meat.
As I was enjoying my sandwich reminiscent of chicken, my girlfriend
of seven years entered the room. Her name is Ana, with one "n."
She is very peculiar about that. She is the kind of person, when she
introduces herself she says "Hi! My name is Ana with one "n."
It's one compound to her, like it were her middle name. Ana Withonen
Baxter.
She first came over from the US in order to spend one semester
abroad. We did not meet at the university though, we met at a club on
a Saturday night. I was drunk, she was drunk, we kind of hit it off.
Ironically, now we only get along when we live under the influence.
She was going through a bi-curious phase when I met her. It was a
thrill, because I was the one to make her change her life, choose
men, once and for all. A dream for so many men. I had never thought
of myself as a womanizer who could pull off this sort of miracle. She
just fell in love with me, not my sexuality. The thrill of the new,
however, quickly became a habit, the habit became second nature, and
second nature became boredom.
She had (still has) that flowing, blond hair, which seemingly does
not carry any weight whatsoever. Her body could belong to an
18-year-old, she is very into fitness, staying in shape. She goes
swimming and running at 6am while I am still fast asleep. She has
finished taking a shower before I wake up to use the bathroom.
Usually, as I sit down at the breakfast table, all I hear is
"Morning!" It has been a long time since things were good.
We used to be passionate lovers, barely able to separate for more
than one or two days. Now we have disintegrated into being
dispassionate enemies in the morning hours of every day.
I wonder if we still love each other. Love is such a strong word.
My iWatch tells me the first year we had sex 5.4 times a week. Yes,
it tracks that too. Now we are down to 0.5 times per week. Tendency
is falling.
It is gruesome to have numerical proof of the slow, but inevitable,
destruction of a thing you love.
When we do it, it is over quickly. It merely feels like our duty to
do so. A contract that you sign once you enter a relationship. She
knows I need it more than she does, probably. I do not know if she is
seeing anyone on the side. I don't. Anymore.
We usually lie in bed when it happens. Anything else would be too
spontaneous, too much out of the ordinary. I start kissing her, she
kisses me back. After a little bit of uninspired foreplay , I remove
my boxers, she removes her slip. Shirts stay on. After a few moments
of romping, groaning, faking enthusiasm, enjoyment and orgasms, it is
all over. Back to the unfinished book.
As she entered the room, she said "Evening! How was work?"
"Same old, same old! Yours?" was my response.
"Well, you know," and off she went into the bathroom.
While I heard her washing up, I said to her "Going out for a
run!"
"Alright, have fun!" No question why I went running at this
hour of the day. She does not even fake interest anymore.
So I went jogging outside. Even that has become rare in a world with
so many different home trainers. People look at me as if I were some
kind of alien. I feel alienated from this society.
As I slowly increased the tempo, passing the buildings on the way to
the little inner city island I run around, I started thinking.
I thought about what the world has come to. I am dictated by numbers,
not by feelings. They tell me when and how much I should eat, sleep,
have sex. The most intimate parts of my life are accessible for
companies, so they can use big data to predict my next move. They
know my next move before I know it. At least that is what they claim,
otherwise they would have no reason to gather all the information. I
have become an invisible man, all the light shines through me, I have
nothing to hide. More importantly, I cannot hide anything. That is
the social contract nowadays.
When did the people of my country become so blind, unconscious,
powerless, indecisive, and comatose.
This isn't what my ancestors fought for. The French did not storm the
Bastille in pursuit of liberty, just so, 230 years later, we would be
totally dependent upon and controlled by the government. Seemingly
unaware of the situation, incapable of grasping the lost freedom
because we have forgotten what freedom feels like.
This is madness!
I felt this strong sense of plaintiveness coming over me. I don't
feel comfortable in this world. I like to go where my heart tells me
to go.
....
So here I'm sitting at the edge of the bridge that I always cross on
my way to the island. My thoughts still circling. In the distance, I
see the bright lights of my hometown, the IBM building glowing in the
color of blue, green, and red. I wonder if anyone would miss me if I
jumped. They would know as soon as my heartbeat stops. iWatch would
tell them. They would locate me. Lift my dead body up. Bury me.
I don't feel alive as it is. This is what they don't know.
I look down, imagining myself crashing into the water of the Elbe
river under me. The river I have known all of my life. How my bones
break, hopefully my neck so it would be over quickly. I imagine the
fall, a finite moment in which I could feel free at last. One last
time before I go back into the Nothingness I came from.
I think of the Buddhist theory that life is like a river. That our
life flows, and that everything we will become, we already are. When
I die, I will become earth, or a stone. But the material I will
become is already in my body. And the stone will be there forever,
and the earth will be there forever, until the sun explodes, and
inhales our solar system to become something I cannot imagine. But
even of that something, I will be a part of it. This is how I reach
immortality. I like that idea.
I edge closer to the brink.
I ought to be free. I cannot live like this. I am not ready to be a
stone.
I think of Ralph Ellison's words, “I am invisible.
Light confirms my reality, gives birth to my form.” So I escape the
light, I'm off into the darkness of the unknown. This society was not
made for people like me. It is made for people who want to live like
a clock until the day they stop ticking. I unstrap my iWatch. It
beeps. It doesn't have a connection anymore. I throw it into the
stream of the Elbe river. Goodbye, dear friend.
They were watching me, but in reality, I am watching them.